It took 27 years for a spark to show up into my life and rouse me from my sleepiness. It took almost a year before it snapped me awake. And it's been almost 7 years since then that I have been in the process of becoming more and more awake, more and more enlightened in the sense that works for me. I've been learning more and more about myself, going deeper and deeper into who I've been, who I am, and who I'm becoming. It's been exhausting and exhilarating at the same time, to say the least. I've never known anything like it before. And I still have a long way to go.
It hasn't been easy, this journey of mine. It's actually harder than the depression I had lived through for the majority of my life because, in this process, I've been confronted with myself, essentially. I had to, and still have to, really take a hard look at myself and everything I've done, all that I do, and realize what it all means and how if affects my future. I've also had so many challenges to what I had come to believe, to my engrained perceptions and much more. So much reading, contemplation... So much inner work... And I did the majority of it on my own without a therapist. (In my town, finding a therapist that takes my insurance AND understands half of what I'd be talking about would be like finding a piece of glitter in a muddy haystack: It just will not happen. I had to do it on my own. I had no choice. I feel like I still have to do it on my own.)
Yes, it definitely has been a harder road than living in the depression in many senses. Depression... fear keeps you safe in comfort zones, and coming out of those can be hard work. In my attempts to bust out, multiple fears get triggers and, next thing you know, I'm freaking out! (Sometimes in a quite physical sense, too). But the trick to busting out is realizing that it's your fear trying to hold you back and keep you in your comfort zone. Many run back into that zone as I did for so much of my life (and still do at times), because it's easier than trying something new or changing something. But after a while, it becomes more and more painful to stay in the fear. As Anaïs Nin wrote: “And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom." I can attest that this is true simply from what I have lived in my own experience. And, because of this life experience, I can also attest to this: once you begin to blossom, no matter how much hard work it takes, you'll feel much better as you go.
The first risk you must take is the risk of changing yourself on the inside, and this includes changing your way of thinking.
In order for things to improve in your outer world, they must improve in your inner world or nothing will change. The same situations come up over and over, like the same world in a video game, until you figure out how to change the outcome. The same wall, the same villain, the same bullshit over and over until you have your 'AHA!' moment and finally pass through to the next level. Something in you, in your mind, in your being has to shift before that moment comes. It happens with relationships, jobs... any situation, really. If you don't reprogram yourself, how can you possibly create a new program outside of you?
"The significant problems we face today cannot be solved at the same level of thinking we were at when we created them." - Albert Einstein
I struggle with this a lot because it's quite a challenge to re-program yourself in a world full of faulty programming, so to speak. So many computers programmed with negativity, limited thinking, and coldness... To work at reprogramming into positivity and fulfillment meets all sorts of people telling you to do something else. People programmed into 'realistic' thinking who think they're just trying to protect you. Protect you from what? Their own fears? You shouldn't take the leap to your 'unrealistic' goals because -they're- scared? Because -they- don't have the guts to do that for themselves? Because that's what it really boils down to, doesn't it? People try to talk you out of something you want, something that matters to you because they want you to use their own personal program to run your life.
Maybe, for an example, wanting to be a musician for a living seems unrealistic. After all, it's a hard business to break into, with no guarantees and shaky security if there's any security at all. Naturally those programmed to the norm would tell you not to bother and to go get a 'real' job with more security. They'd never take that jump--or one like it--for themselves, so why should you? Because it's your life, not theirs. So many dreams have gone untouched because we keep listening to the 'faulty programming' of fear. It's not to say that one be cocksure and stupid. Not by a long shot! (Discernment and brains are important things to have!) It's to say that you know what's right for you in your deepest heart. So, when you find that within you, chuck the fear--theirs and yours--and follow it. That's exactly what those who are successful and happy doing what they love for a living did. (I thank my lucky stars that my most admired artists wrote their own program, or I wouldn't have so much music to love.) And this can be true for all of us if we just try.Once we begin to follow and trust that deep thing within, all falls into place. (I can also attest that that is true, as well.)
And so, my task at the moment is to reprogram away from the naysayers and the fear and just go for all that I want in and out of my life in positivity and light. I have some major obstacles in the way right now, but I'm working at not only changing my thoughts about them and the energy I have in these situations, I'm working at standing up for myself and my needs in a positive way within them.
This is not at all easy for me; I'm quite a sensitive bird. (Look up the term Empath and that's pretty much me, with a small few exceptions. Here's a helpful
LINK.) My system has been going haywire, and I've been tearing up, trying so hard not to cry, and nearly breaking down. It's been a challenge to rid myself on anxiety and find greater confidence in the face of all of this... not-so-great stuff happening, but I'm doing much better at handling it than I had been in the past. That's saying something for myself: I'm getting stronger.
These things will turn out okay somehow, and I'll end up in a much better position on my path than I am now. I don't doubt that. I just need to take each moment as it comes and stop worrying so much about the 'how'. I just need to trust.
At the moment, I have a wonderful trip to Chicago and Madison, WI this spring to look forward to that I just can't wait for. I'm SO excited!! All of this growth I've been going through, all these challenges I've been through and am going through... I feel as though this trip shall my reward for all the hard work I've been and am doing. I feel so blessed to have friends who care and want me to be happy, or this trip wouldn't even be happening. I have such generous, loving, caring, wonderful people in my life and I am eternally grateful. They have no idea what their support and help mean to me because I simply do not know how to adequately express it. Words just are not enough. (When I am able, I will be traveling the world to visit each one and give them a HUGE hug.)
So, yes. Things are falling into place bit by bit for me. Send good vibes to help keep the positive reprogramming going and I send those good vibes back to all of you. <3 p="">
Thank you for reading. :-)
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I don't write fiction stories. I don't write music based on characters or other people. I don't do anything really interesting in my creativity that way. (I can't draw much of anything more than my flowers and all their variations, either.) All I can do is write from my own heart, from my own life. All I can do is create from my own emotions and soul, my own thoughts. I'm not a genius. I'm just some nobody writing bullshit on the internet. (;-P)
The only story I have to tell is my own. And that is what this blog is about.
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