Life (Or Something Like It) #2

 Well, hello there, folks! Did ya miss me?

Time sure passes through that hourglass pretty quickly, doesn't it? I'd like to say that I have been incubating a ton of stuff and I will be releasing it all soon, but that would be me trying to be somewhere I'm just not at yet (going from 0 to 80, as it were). It hasn't been a dead and motionless for 8+ months, though. Let me explain.

In March of 2022, I embarked on a journey of growth via a healing mentor, which contributed to me feeling strong enough to attempt the album month that August, amongst other things seen and unseen. I had been struggling quite a lot since around 2016, having gone from awesome growth and positive changes to curling back up in a ball and reverting backward (personal entanglements did quite a number on me, sadly). Before 2020 happened, I was slowly starting to come back out into the world, having gotten involved with local artist/makers centric non-profit. I even had some of my art displayed as part of a Women's exhibit!

Side Trip: I suffered major imposter syndrome on the way to the art & poetry event and almost didn't go see it at all, feeling like I was stupid to submit and that my doodles didn't belong there. I ended up crying and two awesome ladies from the organization were super nice and understanding, sharing their experiences with the same. Although I still struggle with seeing my art as objectively good (because sooooo many artists are worlds better than I will ever be), I am feeling better about it. Anyhooooo... /side trip

When 2020 hit, it totally derailed me, and my teen, who also was already beginning to struggle, started crashing. Around August/September 2020 I dropped off my main social media for nearly a year. Came back and then dropped off and back again... It was easier to isolate than see how great everyone ese was managing in comparison to myself and my little family. 

I am fuzzy on exactly when, but at some point, I began taking meds for depression again and got back into therapy (with my kid also starting medication and therapy). It helped me some, and around February-ish of 2022, I started spending more time on my secondary Facebook account (only select friends added, a safe spot away from the other account). I'm in a particular INFJ group in there and had made some comments on some post that lead me to be chosen as one of a few top commentators for the month and I was gifted a free session with a healing mentor. I decided to give it a try, and it's the best thing I could have done for myself.

I finished my year cycle with my mentor last month (April 2023) and I am worlds better now than I was before I met her. Although my time in that type of mentoring is currently done, I'm doing my best to continue the growth and apply what I've learned working with her. I'm still continuing traditional therapy, and I have gained a friend in my mentor along with a few others through her, and it has made a big difference for me. I am so very grateful...

There is another piece that is making a huge difference as well: Twitch.

I follow a few folks who stream there and decided this past August (2022) to sign up and check it out. I ended up meeting a ton of really amazing people, and because of this, I not only was able to procure a tablet to draw on, but I was also gifted someone's old laptop until I can mange a better one. I can't even... I feel so loved and cared for... Knowing all of these new folks along with others I have known through the web for years all believe in me has helped me tremendously. I can't even begin to express it, I am just so thankful and grateful. It goes to show you that love and acceptance as well as encouragement and support goes a long way.

So... Here we are in May 2023.

I have a lot of plans and hopes to have managed by the end of this year, but I don't want to go on about them. Why? Pressure. 

See... in the past months I have learned some new things about myself: It is highly likely that I have ADD/ADHD and it is probable that I am also on the Autism spectrum. I just need diagnosis to get the help/assistance I need. Needless to say, learning these things has explained A LOT about myself both past and present, especially why I can't seem to keep up on even the things I want to do. Had this been discovered when I was a kid (because it was most definitely there then), I would be in a MUCH better place now. What really frustrates me, though, is that I had read a book about women and ADD when I had my last psychiatrist and talked to him about it. He convinced me I didn't have it and continued on this path of Borderline Personality or Bipolar (which are different and not at all me...and have better sample kickbacks, it seems). I'm glad I dumped him. I didn't need meds...at least, not those. I do need ADD meds so I can actually get work done (will WI please legalize marijuana already, because my speeding brain really could use the chill out), but I don't need mood stabilizers etc. I don't have a chemical imbalance that's causing my depression. I have undiagnosed ADD and ASD (that make it ridiculously difficult to function as needed to live the life I aspire to), and close family that do not really understand or truly accept me. Now that I am meeting more folks like me online, I feel less alone, and the fact that so many folks like me for me and love me for it helps tremendously. I feel much better about my life and my future now. Not perfect, but definitely much better. 

Step by step, I will get all the pieces in place. In the mean time, I am cutting myself a LOT of slack, which means I'm not going to ramp up unrealistic expectations of myself. Although I am doing my best to focus and work, there are SO many goals that I am working on right now that I am like a hummingbird flitting from flower to flower. Despite that, I am also kind of like a sloth surely making it's way but slow AF because the processes that I am going through are not fast or easy.

I am slowly learning how to draw digitally so I can make an income with my art (more on that when it is closer to reality), working on revamping by blog (here's hoping that happens by the end of the year, but we shall see how everything goes between then and now), and working toward getting back to writing and poetry. There is a lot of personal stuff I am working on as well, but all of that along with the aforementioned is a process. I am not going to rush myself or try so hard to impress, I'm just going to be myself and do as I can. All will fall into place, even if it takes time.

I shall be perusing this blog address for now until I can get the rest figured out and sorted. I hope to be popping things in here more often, and I hope to be more active in my public social medias as well. Just so you all know I'm not dead, lol, and so you all can get to know me or whatever. 

Step by wobbly step I shall go. Here's hoping I can find my stride and more soon!

Thanks for reading and much love and light to you all!

~~~

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