Inside The Fog
Spring 2024
Sorry I've been incredibly MIA for so damn long now. Seems that I just go into isolation mode then I feel overwhelmed and things are just too heavy and hard to manage emotionally and mentally. Back in 2020 I dropped off in late summer and didn't come back until late spring 2021, and then I dropped off again in the fall and came back in early 2022. Here we are in the second quarter of 2024 and I'm trying like hell to pull myself out of the isolation fog and not lose myself for so long again. As for now, I just have little to no capacity to be social or for much of anything at all really, which means I will likely be MIA until I can find it again. I have no idea how long that will be. I'm sorry.
I'm going to try to let you inside the fog I am in for a moment. Bring a blanket.
So...
I've always been an odd, bizarre bird. I've been the Weirdo all of my life, never really being able to manage socially like normal people nor able to manage school or basic life. I learned fast to keep people at arms length, and by high school I had no clue how to have real friendships which carried on into my adulthood. Why do I mention this? Because it's a huge piece of what I am struggling with. I am a person that needs those close people to not only socialize with but whom I can trust and be myself with (and vice versa). I have the hardest time with that in person especially because of my odd social behaviours. I need a lot of alone time and relish it yet I need people and don't want to be alone all the time. It's weird. I feel like I'm two different people... One that wants to socialize and be part of things and the other who just wants to follow my own drum and develop on my own. I want a full social life yet I want to be free of people's expectations and wishes and just be the fuck alone. It's insanity, isn't it? I need to be alone to work through my issues yet I need the love and support of others, and to feel safe and trust people enough to let go with them in order to flourish. No wonder I am in frozen mode all the time...
Upon feeling and doing better, I took myself off of my depression meds back in August to see how much was me and how much was the meds. It was a struggle, but I was managing okay-ish especially due to therapy and my awesome friends around the world. However, I ended up going back on them in early February. I hate them. I need to feel my emotions in order to work through them even if they are overwhelming, but I didn't know what else to do. Things got so wonky with my therapist in terms of scheduling and things beyond my control (on her side) that I got desperate; I was not doing well at all and was starting to pull away from everyone. [Side Note: Days before my late February appointment I was informed that she was no longer with the therapy organization as of the end of February, which was completely unexpected. I had only seen her twice in over 2 months up to that point.] I wish I hadn't started taking the meds again, but, again, I didn't know what else to do. I feel so...dull. I don't feel like me at all, but then I wasn't really feeling like me before I started back on them. I'm just even less myself.
For those unaware, somewhere in the last part of 2023, I realized that I was most definitely likely living with un-diagnosed Autism and inattentive ADHD. It explained so much about those anomalies of my life that, at that point, still remained in the shadows for me. (I think you get what I mean, right? I'm not a seasoned writer blessed with an impeccable vocabulary and sentence structure ability nor do I have an editor to fix my errors. side grin) Behaviours from as far back as I can remember all the way to now all started to make sense, and I started to see that it wasn't my failing that I can't be like everyone else in the sense of managing life with a working executive function or with a neurotypical brain. There was no way I could be because my brain was and is literally different, and thus I function differently. I function differently in a world that is not built for me and others like me, and I can't pretend to function 'normally'. I cannot mask anywhere near that well no matter how much I wish I could.
I want a diagnosis for both ADHD and Autism, it's just really scary to go toward on my own. I wish these things were simple for me where I can go 'it's what needs to be done and so I am doing it' and actually just do it. Oh, if only it were that simple... I'm honestly terrified to go about this on my own and I can't explain why. I'm not even sure if I know why, to be honest. There's this...block that just...gets in the way. I feel like I'm forever a bird in a cage with an open door yet unable to find my way out. Like there's a clear path and light at the end of the tunnel yet there is a load of obstacles that seem impossible to get around. Such is my life.
Because of these things, I am forever looked down on by society and my family alike, being seen as lazy and content to mooch off the world. I can't tell you how often I have given myself figurative whippings for being such a fucking loser, for being unable to function like everyone else, for needing to rely on my mother, social programs and more to be able to live... For getting pregnant and having a kid when I could never in a million years take care of myself with my own money and control of my own life. For ruining my child's life before they were ever born. I can't tell you all of the times I just wanted to die, to end it all because I was floundering so badly and was such a huge burden and sinking stone for everyone, being nothing but an issue and a problem for everyone that came into contact with me. That everyone would be better off without me because I was a waste of space and a drain on society. That my kid would be better off without me holding them back because I can't give them all I want to, all that they need, no matter how I try. That the world didn't need me because I was worthless and brought nothing good to it.
There are times even now where I still wish the ground would swallow me up and just put me out of my misery. It's not that there is nothing good at all in my life, mind you. I just feel so inept at life, trying to make it through each day on my own and trying to help my now adult child navigate their own struggles with neurodivergence while feeling like I am failing miserably. I can barely feel myself at all anymore, my passions falling to the wayside. I have been talking for months now about streaming on Twitch yet I can't seem to get myself to get past the fear of trying. I'm terrified of the learning curve, it seems, wanting to be good at it out of the gate with an old laptop that may not be able to manage all I want to do. I always have this want to go from zero to 80 even though it's always unrealistic and sets me up for failure. As much as I hate admitting it, I want to impress and I am so fucking scared that I'm just going to be a disappointment. Thus, I am frozen and can't move.
Side Note: Please don't worry that I might try to end it all. Any ideation I have now is occasional and passive, and I want more than anything to find my way out of this and thrive in my life.
I want to go back to my singing, my writing, my music, my art, my weird spiritual/'new agey' stuff that helps my soul, my reading and research on topics that I am passionate about...my personal progression (something that is incredibly important to me), yet I feel like it's all been shoved down. Like...if I let my weirdness come back out, it will just alienate me more than if I just isolated of my own volition. Does that make sense? The isolation will be because everyone backed away due to my being 'too much' or 'not enough', and it will be my fault but in a totally soul-crushing way. I don't want to care what people think, but, having struggled socially all of my fucking life resulting into my being the biggest fucking loner I know, and my needing people more than ever now, I can't help but worry about it. I want to trust the people that I can feel inside me are trustworthy and genuine, it's just so incredibly terrifying to. I want to get past these fears and worries, to let go of the social and personal traumas that lead me to being so damaged and defective. I really hope I can. I started with a new therapist (had my first full session today; last one was my intake) and it felt good. Here's hoping that the oddness toward the end with the last one was a so-called 'blessing in disguise'.
I know this was incredibly long, rambling, and likely over-confessional (there is sooooooooooooooooo much I haven't said because privacy and all), but... I think the worst part of my life is feeling like I have to hold everything in when I need to let it out. No one can understand me or relate to me if I don't speak, right? I have some amazing people that I have become connected with that have told me that I can message or call if I need to talk, I just struggle immensely with that. (That lovely past trauma again...) Since I find it so incredibly difficult to let people in, I end up going this route. And I know putting this out publicly can be seen as me trying to be the main character and exhibiting attention seeking behaviour. (Maybe it is, maybe it isn't.) I just know that connection is a central need for us as humans, and I need connection and understanding. Holding this all in is like dying slowly, and I don't want my story to die with me. Maybe there are others that can relate, others who are going through similar things. In theory I know I am not alone in much of these feelings and experiences and that I have people waiting in the wings for me, but I want to feel in my bones that I am not alone (because I always feel alone) and I want to help others to feel that they're not alone, too. Even if one person reads this and feels seen, that will mean my wobbly step into vulnerability wasn't in vain. It was worth it.
If you read this far, thank you. I am unsure when I will 'back' on social media and Twitch, but know that I am thinking of you all and miss you all, and that I wish you all well always. (All the good vibes forever, and I mean it!) Please don't take my weird social behaviour and lack of reaching out (or opening up one-on-one) as a sign that I don't care, don't trust, or anything of the sort. I'm just a strange bird that dropped to Earth and is taking an incredibly long-ass time trying to figure out herself and how to function on this damn planet. Please be patient with me.
and be safe, everyone.
Much love and hugs to you all.
PS: RIP Roy Batty, meowtastic co-DJ – You were beloved to the entire DJSlave1 community and will forever be missed. We all love you, sweet boy. Say hello to my animal friends for me. <3
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