A Thought Train; 29th-30th May 2023
Just now I was looking on my old USB Jump drives for some of my old blog/website graphics and such, and started looking through the things I saved. I had to stop because now, looking back at things I did, said, and more, I have to say… I was fucking bonkers! What the hell in a handbasket was I even thinking?? *sigh*
Do you ever do this? Re-read writings from the past, looking at old pictures that remind you of moments and more, and think, “I must have been insane”? For better or for worse (or both at the same time), do you ever look back at this… shit from your life and wonder if you must have needed a lobotomy for saying the things you said or doing the things you did? Like… Were those so-called ‘right’ decisions, even for the positive things that came from some of them, actually right? Could those things have been approached differently? Would you be in a better place now had you actually acted like a rational human being or what have you? What does this all mean for who you are now and who you are aiming to be? Does it have an effect on the connections you have now and make in the future? Things like that.
No? Just me?
If my hunch is proper, I would say those of us who care about these things do look back and have these moments of disbelief at what we’ve done or been. At least… I hope so. Lately, although it’s always there, this is all coming closer to the forefront for me. Looking at these old files and photos has a way of making it all smack me directly in the center of my face and heart.
I don’t want to make this thought train into a diary entry or the ‘that was waaaaay more than I needed to know’ article, but I do feel this… thing in me to say something. Hopefully those of you who are reading this now will read to the end. If not, I understand. It’s cool.
"There’s no such thing in the world as a right decision.”
I am now on day two of trying to write this.
Is it a good idea for me to write this? A bad idea? According to the Jesus Jones quote above (follow the link to hear the song it came from via YouTube), there really isn’t a ‘right’ decision. I mean… What might be a ‘right’ decision could cause a host of upheaval that can ruin something in a way you didn’t foresee happening. Or a ‘wrong’ one could end up being the best thing you could have done for yourself and those around you. In the end, you just have to make the choice and hope for the best.
Due to events and experiences from my formative years, taking risks even as small as saying hello can be extremely difficult for me no matter how it may seem on the outside. Even things that are good for me can ramp up my anxiety to the point of nausea depending on what it is and where I am at personally. There were times in the past 14 years or so where things came up for me that I inwardly knew I had to do (kind of like when I got pregnant and knew I was to have the baby–it was just a knowing in me). Like… The thought crosses your mind and you know that you are bound to it and must now do it, no questions. Do you know what I mean? Somehow, I made my way through these… tasks and had some incredible experiences from them that I could never express or explain anytime soon. Were these things right or wrong? Hell if I know. Was I fucking bonkers? YES. It was completely out of character for me, pushing me into situations that I would otherwise have run from. I was the observer, the awkward one that struggled to fit in anywhere, and the one that hardly said much (unless I knew you well enough). I was the one to keep to myself and stay in my bubble, even when I wanted to be ‘out there’ with others. Me? Make myself seen? Make myself known? What the hell was that all about?!
Although it may sound like these things were positive in the end, I honestly don’t know if it’s that simple. It seems that, when people take so-called crazy leaps, it can cause a smattering of things in its wake, some positive, some negative, and much of it in between. My leaps are no exception. In many ways, they were positive for me because I took chances that I never would have before, and these chances opened me and my world up in many wonderful ways. Whatever negative sides there were… I’m not totally aware of them all, which I am guessing happens for a lot of people. There are likely also a lot of positives that happened in the waves that came from those leaps that we may never know about. For myself, as much as I may wonder about my sanity then and how I could have done or said many things from my past, I don’t want to assume the worst because it’s full of many shades and colors, not all of them dark.
There are times I wish I could apologize for some of the absolutely weird and cringy things I’ve done and said, and I do think that, if given the opportunity, I would likely do so to those affected by behaviours of the past me. After all, 43 plus years is a long time, and I know I’ve run the gamut from awesome to toxic in that time frame. I was never always right and I was never always wrong. I was living, and I still have much life to live.
