state of aquadonia - 28th Nov 2023

state of aquadonia - 28th Nov 2023 

TL;DR: I am currently not doing well and need to make big changes. I’m really sorry. Hit 'Read More' to find out why.

I’m not sure what I have all posted about before and I don’t want to read back on it because I will get distracted and take ages to write this. SO, without further ado…

I have not been doing well for a while now, and I’ve known that I need to make some changes. I’ve just been terrified of disappointing people, letting people down, and seeming selfish and ungrateful in the process. That’s far from what I want to do, which is why I put those changes off and keep trying to make it go as it is. But then I keep crashing completely every 2 or 3 months and end up needing a 2 week break from everything in an attempt to take care of myself. I can’t go on like that anymore. I am not in a space where I have the energy/capacity needed for it, and, as selfish, self-absorbed, and terrible as it may be or seem (because that’s my worry), I need to do what I need to do for myself right now so I can get into a better space to help and be there for everyone else. I don’t know what else to do and I feel so fucking awful for it. I know I shouldn’t worry so much about what others think or how they view me, but I do; I’m slowly working through these trauma responses, and it’s difficult AF.

Learning that I am ADHD and am on the Autism spectrum (which explains A LOT; I hope to get diagnosis for both in the future) means that I cannot approach my life like a neurotypical if I actually want to succeed. Why? Because it is setting myself up for failure if I do, which is what I consistently run into every damn time I try to do The Things the way “normal and properly functioning people” do. I am so early in my AuDHD journey (having just discovered this in the recent parts of this year), so I have no clue at all what works for me. I just know what isn’t working now, and I have to change those things before I can start to discover/understand what will click in my brain and will make it all go. This means that, although I want to continue some things, I have to make the shifts I need to for myself if I don’t want to end up in this constantly stressed and exhausted overall state of self/life. I don’t want to keep tripping and crashing to the ground. I want to fly. I NEED to fly.

Bit by bit, I will be making these changes, and, hopefully, by the 1st of the New Year, I can start to find the formula that works for me. I hope to eventually get back to doing some of the things I do now, so some of these changes are not forever (hopefully). I just need to figure myself out first so I know what I can manage and handle. I hope you all can understand. I just want to feel good about myself and my life, and I don’t feel that way AT ALL right now. I want that to change.
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If you made it to this part of the text: Thank you so much for taking the time to read and understand. It really means the world to me. <3
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Much love to you all. <3 <3 <3